Shifting Our Values

 Written by Justin Davis at www.refineus.org

There is no doubt I have made a lot of mistakes in life and marriage. Most of them are written about on this blog. One of the biggest mistakes I have made as I have tried to follow Christ and as I have tried to grow as a husband and father is trying to change my behavior without changing my heart.

There have been times in my life that I knew our marriage was in trouble…so I said I would try harder.

There have been times that I knew I wasn’t as close to God as I should be…so I said I would try harder.

There have been times that I knew I wasn’t giving my kids the very best I could…so I said I would try harder.

Trying harder doesn’t work.

So often, especially as Christians, we look for behavior modification to improve our walk with God, our marriages and our relationships, but what we have tragically overlooked is our need for heart transformation.

Being a better husband doesn’t require a change of behavior…it requires a change of heart.
Being a better father doesn’t require a change of behavior…it requires a change of heart.
Being a better disciple of Christ doesn’t require a change of behavior…it requires a change of heart.

In order for me to change how I act, I need to change what I care about. What I care about the most drives my behavior. So here are three value-shifts that I am trying to make in my own life believing they will impact who I am as a husband, parent and friend.

1. Value truth-telling more than image building.
I am working really hard to care more about telling you the truth about me than what you think about me.  What if I was as committed to sharing truth as I was building my reputation? God is constantly reminding me that he doesn’t care how I look to others; He just wants me to be honest.

2. Value transparency more than accountability.

I have written about this before, but I have a personal belief that accountability is a Christian crutch. I think accountability is useless. We use it to make ourselves look more spiritual than we really are. Accountability is only as valuable as the transparency we offer in the context of that accountability. We don’t have to be transparent with everyone, but we should be transparent with someone.

3. Value intimacy more than the absence of conflict.
God has designed us for intimacy…the word intimacy means “to be fully known.” But being fully known is risky….being fully known is vulnerable. So often in my life I value pain avoidance more than being fully known. So I sacrifice intimacy with God, with my wife or with a good friend in favor of avoiding conflict. I want to learn to see conflict as God’s way of building intimacy in my life.

Which of these values resonates most in your heart?

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